Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Letting Go

How do you know if it’s time to let go or not? I mean, when is enough...enough? It’s almost been 6 months and I still think about him every day. I feel like when we broke up, I got all the good memories and he got all the bad. All I think about is the times we spent laughing and smiling and cuddled up together. It makes all the fighting and crying seem so small… Is it the opposite for him? I’m scared I will never love anyone as much as I loved him. Every day I feel like something is missing and that something is him. I know that I shouldn’t need anyone to complete me and I’m trying so hard but I was so happy with him. I’m the one that messed everything up and thinking back to a year ago, I was so immature. I was scared. I was scared that maybe he wasn’t the right one for me and that maybe I was missing out. I guess you never really know until it’s too late. I kept thinking about what could have been with someone else while I totally missed out on what should have been with him. Is there any coming back from this? It was the ONE thing that I was never supposed to do and I didn’t plan on doing it but I fucked up. I don’t really know what happened but it was not pleasant or with it in anyway. The way I hurt him will be permanently scarred into my brain. How could I do that to the man I love? What kind of horrible person would do such a thing? I will always hate myself for it. But at least I will never make the mistake again. I’m not even with him and I haven’t wanted anyone else. Maybe the relationship was doomed to begin with. We were so attached to each other that in the end I didn’t know who I was without him. I suppose it was a good thing that we broke up. I’m starting to find myself again. I just wish that I could be me with him. I long for his touch… I even imagined another guy's arms were his the other day as horrible as that sounds. I miss running my hands over his soft skin while we lay in his bed. I think the way he smelled haunts me the most. It was my favorite scent. Half of me wants to say screw him, I don’t need him. And I know that’s true, I don’t. But I do want him. I am still completely in love with him that it hurts. I am in physical pain. My heart aches. There has to be a way I could prove myself to him right? Some way I could show him I've changed and that I would be completely loyal? I know right now I am still growing and in no way am ready to jump back into anything…but if there is a chance that we could start over, that we could be happy again, why shouldn’t we at least try? How do you know what to do? How do you know if you should keep trying or not? How do you know if it’s time to let go?

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

A Ship Than Never Stops Sinking

Depression: A Ship That Never Stops Sinking
It started as a cruise
With me were all my friends and family
We smiled, we laughed, we had fun

Slowly things changed
I began not smiling, not laughing, not having fun.

One day I woke up somewhere new
On a boat no bigger than a twin bed
I was stranded helpless and alone.

In the distance I could see my friends and family
Did they even notice I was gone?
They were still smiling, still laughing, still having fun.

I want to get back to them but I have no will
I start to question why me?
Why am I stuck here?
How is it fair that I suffer?

As thoughts fill my head my feet start getting wet-
My boat was sinking.

I start using my hands to scoop out the water
If I stop, it will all be over
I’m tired
Every second is a struggle.

Sure the water stops while I sleep
But that’s only for a couple hours a night
While I’m awake, the water never stops.

Some days it’s only little drops
And I can feel myself drifting back to the others
But other days I’m in the middle of a hurricane
With nothing in sight but darkness

I think about stopping,
About ending all my pain
But then I see my friend and family
All smiling, all laughing, all having fun

So I continue scooping out water
Hoping one day I’ll be able to
Smile, to laugh, to have fun
But until then, I’ll remain on my sinking ship. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Stay in a Mental Hospital: Day 1

             I woke up in my bed and remembered what had happened the day before. My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me because he no longer was happy and didn’t love me anymore; my biggest fear. It fucking sucked. It’s something that I had no control over. Of course I begged him not to only to feel ashamed of myself after. Before him, I felt like a confident and strong girl. After him, I was left empty. I gave him everything I had. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He was there for me through all of it. After he left, I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know how to take care of myself. I started having thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Not wanting to hurt the people around me (ironic right?), I decided it was best if I checked myself in before I hurt anyone. My little sister was there a year prior and it seemed to help her. I wanted to go the day he broke up with me but it was the day of my littlest sister’s middle school graduation party and I didn’t want to take either of my parent’s away from that. My friends came over and I stuck the rest of the day out.
 The next morning I felt just as bad. Around 1 in the afternoon, I decided it was time to go. To get into Linden Oaks, the mental facility, I had to first go to the ER. My mom drove and It didn’t take long to get a room. My room was totally bare except for the bed and chair in the middle of it. The back wall had what looked like to be an ambulance door. I thought to myself, this must be the room they stick all the crazy people in so they can’t kill themselves. The room next to me was the same. He was short and had a long beard and hair that resembled Jesus; He must be crazy too. I spent 5 hours drifting in and out of sleep. I was interrupted by different nurses and doctors who asked me the same questions and I replied with the same answers.
               “What brings you in today” I’m having thoughts of suicide and self-arm.
               “How do you feel?” Hopeless, lonely, depressed, exhausted.
               “Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?” Just myself.
            It wasn’t till about 6 pm when they finally got the okay from linden oaks to bring me in. Then I had to wait for an ambulance to bring me over. One of the men looked to be in his sixties while the other looked sixteen. I still had my phone so I was able to catch a few Pok√©mon in the ambulance. When I got to linden oaks, I was greeted by multiple staff members who said they would make me better. It was around 8 pm, free time for all the patients. Most gathered and socialized in the day-room while others stayed in their room. The day-room was an open area right by the Nurses’ desk. It consisted of a table with 5 chairs and more comfy chairs by the walls. On the table were colored pencils and pictures that had been printed out. You could tell they were from some sort of adult coloring book that was supposed to help with stress. I had to stay in my hospital gown as they checked me in which consisted of them taking my picture and meeting with my assigned therapist. She seemed to be in her early 30’s. We talked for a few minutes, she asked the same questions as everyone else except at the end, she asked what my goal was while I was here. My answer was, I want to learn to be okay by myself.
               After talking with my therapist, I got to change back into my clothes and then say goodbye to my parents whom had met me there. My sister packed me a bag because she knew what I could and couldn’t have. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet so they ordered me a boxed lunch which consisted of a turkey sandwich, some type of baked chips, an apple, and juice. I only ate the sandwich and apple.

While eating, I met a few of the residents already there. I mostly observed at first. There was Shane, an arrogant heroin addict that couldn’t be older than 23, Rachel, a girl that was the same age as me who tried to kill herself by overdosing on pills in her medicine cabinet, and Jennifer, who I wasn’t quite sure what was wrong with her but I know she bit a cop and smashed her mom’s car windshield; she was probably in her mid-twenties. They then took me to my room. I guess the adult ward was full because my room was in a different section; the annex. I’m still not really sure what it was but it consisted of girls of all ages; I wasn’t sure what their problem was. My roommate was already asleep by the time I got there. They gave me something that would help me sleep and I took it no questions asked. I cried myself to sleep pretty quickly.